Monday, November 21, 2011

Where I'm At

disclaimer: I don't really believe in secrets. I like being able to trust people. I have a hard time seeing the negative consequences of being uncomfortably truthful. 

It is pretty clear at this point that I am unable to handle the ordinary pressures of college. going to classes, writing essays by due dates, being around attractive people, etc. 
But I don't really see any other good options and I've tried all the normal solutions - talking to professors, counseling, going home more often, being academically responsible, etc.
Somehow I always end up feeling trapped and alone and mildly suicidal. 

It feels like I have to prove that I am capable of this with everything I do. Like I can't get past the slightest block.
Feeling incapable of writing an essay? - better drop out or, better yet, kill yourself.
Can't complete a reading? - same, if you can't manage the basics of the academic life you shouldn't be here.

So the options are as follows
1. stay in college
pros - I'm already here
cons - it brings me to where I am now

2. drop out
pros - it's an escape from where I'm at now
cons - there's nothing to do but get a menial job

3. kill myself
pros - I don't have to deal with anything any more
cons - much, much, much more difficult than doing nothing

Any input would be great.


  1. Can you tell I have a little extra time on my hands tonight?
    A couple posts ago you wrote about having an independent personality. The telling thing to me here is the being alone. When I feel depressed and can't get past negative feelings, I share them with Grant or my mom or my best friends. Sharing them 1) makes me realize the inconsistencies and nonsense in my thoughts and 2) diversifies the burden of whatever was bothering me so that I'm not alone.
    Cheesy as it is, I have a piece of paper by my mirror to read or just remember that it's there and remind myself that my self-conception is way off.
    Also, it may take a readjustment of the importance you place on things. It's okay to not finish a reading. If you can't write an essay, do something else instead that you feel is valuable, and maybe you'll be able to come back to it later. Maybe write your essay on a hike. Don't place too much pressure on yourself. Loosen your expectations, and then it won't be hard to meet them.
    You know that if you need something, you can call me.

  2. You know that once you're dead you can't experience the relief of pain and stress, right?

  3. Sir, I must ask: do you truly believe that suicide should be considered in your list of preferable alternatives to the current collegiate hum-drummity? Apart from an initial rush attained from jumping off the cliff or pulling the trigger, what is there? Nothing. "Nothing," as far as we can fathom it, is boring, would you not agree? Isn't the boringness, the total mediocrity of life, part of your discontent? When I'm wrapped up in despair and self-loathing and lethargy and my mind is fraying, here's what I think: there are a zillion and fifty ways by which a person can die without doing it on purpose. Many of these ways of dying are capable of occurring at any given time. That's why I would never kill myself, unless I were enduring excruciating torture or were suddenly rendered quadriplegic, deaf, and blind. I might as well sample as much as possible of the thrilling, beautiful, puzzling world before the inevitable happens. With so much out there, some of it has to be worthwhile. Sure, you may not be in the most desirable of social circumstances now, and it's difficult when everyone around you appears to be having the best time ever. But it all balances out. Like what you quoted in another of your posts, about a life's equilibrium. Meanwhile, just do what you want; do as much as you can. The more you propel yourself into the world, the more interesting opportunities will be thrown back at you. That's the way the universe works. Probability is in your favour!
    PS Dropping out is lame too. Keep learning, even if only between the lines.